DOUBT AND MOVE ON  

I need to figure out 

the connection between a digging earthworm and the passing clouds above, 

how stars may disappear at night when black holes are not around,

why feelings overlap in ways that blend emotion until neither can be expressed.

I need to figure out

if the horizon line recedes or is firmly in place and it’s only the world that moves,

the validity of the scientific method theory when the observer is the most limiting factor,

the edge of sight where imagination, memory, and conjecture inform awareness and judgment.

I need to figure out

why needles would be in the haystack and why horses aren’t concerned,

how many wishes does it take to manifest a world where wishing is not necessary,

the calculus of differential values, integral limits of morality, and multi-variable expressions of meaning.

I need to figure out

how air breaks the meniscus of a bubble leaving liquid but the fluid it’s in can’t penetrate it,

what matters in this world when being in the world is a quick and temporary stay of an illusory ego,

why trauma is wise and sorrow is intelligent and despair signals the point where recovery begins.

I need to figure out

how walking counter-clockwise winds energies up and walking clockwise winds energies down,

where is the way back to a state of innocence after experience has taken its toll,

the proper comeback to my devils when my angels get too transcendent and are at a loss for words

I need to figure out

how many fingers it takes inserted into a dilemma before credulity stretches into a paradox,

the proper valence of truth when there is no absolute truth and those who say so are absolutely correct.

why the idea of soul mates is delusional pathology but living in a world without one is healthy.

I need to figure out

why yawning starts as early as twenty weeks after conception and is contagious in adulthood,

when is the best time to start living in the moment when a past need to do so is required to start,

why promises of intimate special exclusivity are so emotionally charged and necessary in marriage but one marries after sharing those same intimacies with others without being married but that’s OK, even expected.

I need to figure out

how many steps there and back again are enough to feel satisfied I’ve accomplished a journey,

why people accept the existence of loaded dice but conspiracies are the realm of wackos,

how subliminal symbols pervade the cultural landscape and yet we’re all certain what we know is real. 

I need to figure out

why plants sold in nurseries are difficult to grow whereas plants labeled “weeds” are easy to grow,

why having something uniquely shared between two people is highly valued with great emotion unless it involves physical intimacy then to value something uniquely shared may be reduced to retrospective jealousy,

what is the best way to find the best way when the internet is controlled by profit-seeking, agenda-driven corporate algorithms.

I need to figure out

the various gender identities of bees and if the queen is a closet tri-curious fluid libragender drone,

if pendulums were guillotines could The French Revolution have ended sooner,

if others get to define what special and sacred means to me or do I get to define it.

I need to figure out

how everyone can be certain about the answer and yet the same problems abound year to year,

why when some first times are no longer possible they no longer are meaningful but all other first times when they happen are meaningful exactly because they’re first times and should be celebrated,

how time heals all wounds and water wears down all rocks but some feelings never fade.

I need to figure out

why serotonin agonists should proliferate in plants that give humans mystical experiences,

where to go from here when here reduces to less than what is necessary to be a place to thrive,

why can’t I shake the things that bother me if what bothers me impacts what has meaning for me.

I need to figure out

how will we ever move our shit to distant planets if we can never get our shit together here,

how true love persists across time no matter how many we love yet polyamory and polygamy are wrong

if what matters to you doesn’t to me does that give me the right to claim you need psychological help.

I need to figure out

how a human soul exists in eternity but still manages to have serial lives in karmic time,

what’s the best thing to do with the little time I have left on Earth,

which ideologies and religions have ever benefited the planet and not gotten people killed, 

I need to figure out

why I need to figure all of this out but more importantly

why most of these things I could be content perhaps to doubt then move on from but

why a few of these things I can never pass by and the need to know will always be with me.

– I feel the thing I most need to figure out is why is there this difference,

why I feel this difference is core and holy to my life while others think it signals a problem,

why does this difference define me in a way 

that transcends the need to figure it out.