the unacceptable truth

i can see 

how many of my reactions

don't make common sense

and yet i have them anyway

i can reason

how many of my behaviors

don't serve me in this world

and yet i do them anyway

i can measure

how many of my sensitivities 

don't maintain expected balance

and yet i feel them anyway

i can process

all the methods and methodologies

to help set things different

and yet the same deep feelings remain

i can read

all the affirmations and aphorisms

that abound from self-appointed wisdom sources

and yet their truth is partial and superficial in light of something core

i can wish

for something else 

for my life

and yet i am what i am anyway

i can pray

for deliverance from it all

and yet i find

no refuge from the essence i know as myself

am i stuck in a pathology

or entrenched in something quintessential to my spirit?

am i plaqued by a neurosis

or blessed with knowing an unshakable truth?

am i condemned to not being normal

or aligned with my higher self?

there's no way to explain such a feeling

no way to justify what is deemed aberrant

no where to go to have the nonsensical understood

there are only my reactions, my behaviors, my sensibilities

everything that others tell me is not acceptable

the thing is - i don't have them to be accepted

i have them because they feel like me

i can hear them say 

i'm stuck in pain and refuse to change

i will not be so presumptuous to say what it is

only that when i clear everything from me

and i listen to my soul

my unacceptable truth

persists